Reflection
by Wing'dCallisto
Summary: [songfic, RWxHG] On the eve of their gradation from Hogwarts, Hermione thinks. And wonders if she's found what she's looking for. [CHAPTER TWO] Ron and Hermione break the news of their relationship to Harry and Lavender... how will they take it?
1. Goodbye to You

Reflection  
  
by Wing'dCallisto  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling's creation, but they're owned by Warner Brothers. (Evil multi million dollar corporations...) Michelle Branch owns herself, and the words and music for 'Goodbye to You'.  
  
Author's Note: I hoped you like this. It was really just a 'spur of the moment' kind of story-- well, the idea was, at least. It took me two hours to write/edit/look up lyrics for this song. Lyrics, by the way, are from 'Goodbye to You' by Michelle Branch. Gorgeous song. ... Oh, and I'm fully aware that Hermione is COMPLETELY OOC. Well, maybe not COMPLETELY, but she's not particularly in character either. I guess I wanted to look at her from an entirely different point of view. I mean, emotionally, we see very little from her. She's always logical and (mostly) levelheaded.  
  
Summary: On the eve of their Graduation from Hogwarts, Hermione wonders if she's found what she's looking for.   
  
--------------------------**  
  
[Of all the things I've believed in   
  
I just want to get it over with]  
  
God, the days stretch on. Like a piece of chewing gum, they gradually lengthen and lose their flavour. Eventually, you end up right back where you started.   
  
In this case, I have not moved ahead. I have not gotten any closer to my goal. Like the wizard chess he loves to play, I've moved one step forward and two steps back.  
  
Harry had asked me out at the beginning of sixth year, and I'd seriously considered turning him down. I love Harry dearly, but not in that way. He's like the brother I never had, which, in a way, is a dream come true. I've always wanted a brother. But I've also wanted someone to love me, and that's the only dream of mine that hasn't come true.   
  
Outwardly, I seem happy enough. The smart, admired head girl, hanging off the arm of one of the most popular students in the school.   
  
[Tears form behind my eyes  
  
But I do not cry  
  
Counting the days that pass me by]  
  
And now we're nearing the end of seventh year. It's been a long journey, you all understand-- not just for me, but for Harry and Ron, too. As a wise man once said, 'It's like going to bed at the end of a long, long day.' This feeling, it's like a sunset, too. The end of a day, the end of an era. I love this place, and they've been the best years of my life-- full of emotion. Crazy, untamed emotion. Not just happiness, but sadness, love, fear, anger, contentment. The full spectrum, plus a thousand more.  
  
When I was asked, as head girl and top student, to say the speech at our graduation, I didn't know what to say. It was an honour for me, of course, but I didn't want to do it. Because the staff wanted me to talk about my goals, my dreams, my hopes, my achievements. In the scheme of things, I hadn't achieved much. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't see someone I was proud of. I saw a cliche and a failure.  
  
[I've been searching deep down in my soul   
  
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old]  
  
But on our day of graduation, I went and stood at the podium. I looked over the sea of students, dressed in the black robes that were our uniform. I saw my parents, sitting at the back. They smiled at me, and I smiled back. I searched the crowd for Ron. He was there, sitting next to Harry and Lavender, staring back at me intently, waiting for what I was going to say.  
  
[It feels like I'm starting all over again   
  
The last three years were just pretend   
  
And I said...]  
  
'It doesn't seem like seven years ago that I arrived here.' I said, standing up straight and smiling at the sea of students, exposing my even, white teeth. God, I could still remember when that cow-- Pansy Parkinson-- caused them to grow, and grow, and Harry and Ron came and stood up for me.  
  
'But it has been seven years-- years which, I am proud to say, were the best of my life. I know, as I stand here, on the eve of our graduation, that I'll never quite feel the same after I've left Hogwarts.  
  
'I've overheard some of you talk about me, you know. To some of you, I'm still just that bushy-haired "mudblood".' I used my fingers to insert the quotation marks. A few of the teachers shot me nervous stares once they heard me say it, and many of the students looked at each other in horror.  
  
'To some of you, I'm still the person who helps you with your homework, who wrote all your notes for you...' my eyes lingered on Ron and Harry for a moment. '... and that's all I'll ever be to you.'  
  
[Goodbye to you   
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew   
  
You were the one I loved   
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to]  
  
I continue speaking. I talk, for a long time, about growing up. I quote famous poets and authors, explaining how they related to my own life. Not that any of these words has much meaning behind them. They're all thin, thin like air, containing little substance. It's almost like I'm filtering through my memories, sifting through and keeping the ones that mean something. The ones with substance. I especially treasure the ones with Ron.  
  
I don't say that, though.  
  
[I still get lost in your eyes   
  
And it seems that I can't live a day without you   
  
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away]  
  
'I wonder where I'll end up, ten or twelve years in the future. It's something I wonder a lot about, these days. I wonder if I'll have a family. If I'll have a good, safe, secure job. When I was younger, I didn't think about these things. Such thoughts didn't occur to me. I took my time for granted. And now I wish I'd cherished it. It's gone now, and it seems so fleeting.  
  
'I just want to thank everyone here for making these years the most memorable of my life.'   
  
And I pause, looking through the huge arched windows that line the eastern wall of the Great Hall. The late afternoon sunshine is pouring through them, and I see the shimmering dust motes softly float there. I want to float. I want to fly.  
  
[To a place where I am blinded by the light   
  
But it's not right]  
  
I turn from the podium and quietly retrieve my seat, between Professors Flitwick and Sinistra. Neither of them say anything to me, but Flitwick gives me a warm smile from atop the books he's sitting on. I don't hear the applause that's echoing around the Great Hall. Rather, I gaze at the twisted parchment I wrote my speech on. Then I look up again and smile.  
  
Smile, I think, stretching out my lips. Then I can't keep up the charade any longer and I let the mask slip.  
  
[Goodbye to you   
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew   
  
You were the one I loved   
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to]  
  
'You were excellent, 'Mione!' says Harry as we walk back to our common room. He wraps his arm around my waist and kisses my forehead. I smile again, but it feels plastic and unreal. I learnt to control my feelings a long time ago. While I'm still outspoken on Elf Rights and school issues, I've realised that what I feel and what I talk about should remain seperate.   
  
'Where's Ron?' I ask, cutting Harry off in the middle of a sentence. He looks hurt, but I only half-notice it. I hadn't even been listening to what he was talking about anyway. 'I didn't see him after the ceremony-- him and Lavender better have not disappeared off somewhere.' I continue, absentmindedly taking off the head girl badge pinned to the outside of my robes. The pin, sharp and unmerciful, digs into my palm. I ignore the pain, the trickling blood, and discreetly wipe it away on my robes.  
  
'Well, he said him and Lavender were sneaking out early.'  
  
[And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time   
  
I want what's yours and I want what's mine]  
  
I pretend not to let this news bother me. I know that if I think it enough, repeat it over and over, it won't bother me at all. I can't help but wonder if I'll be the woman who sits at her desk and writes the love letter, only to realise that it's too late.  
  
[I want you   
  
But I'm not giving in this time]  
  
We reach the Fat Lady and give the password. She swings forward to admit us, and for the last time we climb through the wall and re-emerge in our world. Our home, for the past seven years. The only place I've ever felt like I belonged in.  
  
Ron and Lavender are sitting over on the window-seat, gazing down at the grounds, talking in low whispers. They see us enter but do not register it in their expressions. I smile, even though my lips feel so dry and cracked, and I wave, even though my hand is aching with the pain of the cut.  
  
Neville, Ginny and a few other sixth-years are sitting in the best armchairs by the fire, talking, laughing and reminicing. Occasionally, Ginny glances over at Harry. She looks like me. The light in her eyes has gone out.   
  
[Goodbye to you   
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew   
  
You were the one I loved   
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to]  
  
'I'm going to bed.' I say to Harry, and kiss him goodnight. Slowly, I trudge up to bed, trying to come to terms with what I've lost. Trying to come to terms with what I'll never have. So many wasted opportunities, so many lost dreams. I call goodnight to Ron, and Lavender, and Neville and Ginny.  
  
Ginny follows me to the bottom of the staircase, and she puts a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to face her, quickly rearranging my features into one of confusion.  
  
'I know exactly how you feel, Hermione.' she whispers to me and looks over at Harry. He's gone to talk to Ron and Lavender, and they're laughing and joking. They look like it's them who have been the best friends all along, and I was just... another person. Not even worth recognition.   
  
'We'll talk on the train tomorrow, okay, Ginny?' I say finally. I'm not prepared to divulge my feelings to her, even if she is my closest girl friend, but she seems to understand. She gives me a hug.   
  
'I know he feels the same as you, Hermione, he just can't show it.'  
  
[The one thing that I tried to hold on to...]  
  
I awake in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I can't recall any of the images, but I feel like I've run a marathon and I'm covered in sweat. I'm breathing in quick, fast gulps, and I try to calm down. But I'm shaking.  
  
I fear that I'll wake the others up. So I softly get out of bed and walk down to the common room. The fire is still going, the dying embers glowing gold and crimson. I sink down on my knees in front of it and hold my hands before the warmth. I shiver again, examining the cut on my left hand. I could heal it, easily. A few simple words and I wouldn't have to experience the pain from it anymore.  
  
'Couldn't sleep?' it's Ron. He comes downstairs, and I quickly get to my feet and turn around, blushing.   
  
'Uh, yes, I had a nightmare.' I say, shaking my head. 'Don't let me disturb you-- I was just about to go back to bed.' I start to make my way back towards the staircase.  
  
'Hermione, don't be stupid.' Ron rolls his eyes. 'What are you so scared of, anyway? You think you know everything. Prove to me you do, go on!'  
  
'I'm going to bed,' I snap, tossing my hair haughtily. 'Leave me alone, Ron, I don't want to talk to you.'  
  
And he stands in the middle of the room, in his too-short maroon pyjamas, staring at me with this look on his face that I've never seen before in my life.   
  
[And when the stars fall...]  
  
'I don't want you to go through life without knowing, Hermione.' he says. And it's such an out-of-character-thing for him to say that I snort. But he doesn't laugh back. In fact, his ears have started to go red, and I wonder what he's about to say.  
  
'You...' he takes a deep breath. 'Thanks, Hermione, for being you.' he mutters, looking at the ground. Then he leans forward and kisses me. It's not like a kiss that I'd share with Harry, which, to me, always seems fake and pre-rehearsed. This kiss is like... oh, I don't know, something unexpected but beautiful.   
  
Like a falling star, or a sunshower.   
  
We break apart, and we're both blushing. 'That's what I've been trying to tell you for the past few years.' he's smiling nervously. 'I mean, if you don't want to, then I completely understand, but... oh, God, I'm an idiot...'  
  
'But that's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!' I stifle a giggle. Suddenly, I feel my lips lift, and I smile-- a real smile.  
  
Our hands brush; it's like electricity is running through my veins. Pulsating and alive.  
  
'I should... probably get to bed.' I say, finally, reluctant to let the moment go. Ron takes my hand and for a moment I just stare at it. I feel the cut on my palm throb, but I don't mind anymore. It's no longer an uncomfortable pain, but it's more like a meaningful pain, a pain that has a reason.   
  
Love has a reason.  
  
'Goodnight, Hermione.' says Ron quietly, and we make our way back up to our respective bedrooms. When I enter the dorm, I hear the soft snores of the other girls; moonlight falls on their faces, sharpening their features.  
  
[I will lie awake]  
  
Before I go to bed, I glance at myself in the mirror. I don't see Hermione Granger, head girl, muggle-born, top student, Elf Rights Campaigner.  
  
I see a girl who has finally found what she's looking for.  
  
[You're my shooting star...] 


	2. Forgive Me

Reflection  
  
by Wing'dCallisto  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling's creation, but they're owned by Warner Brothers. (Evil multi million dollar corporations...) Evanescence own themselves, and they wrote 'Forgive Me'... or at least, I'm pretty sure they did.  
  
Author's Note: Just a little follow-up to... er... Chapter One. A reviewer suggested another chapter, showing what had happened afterwards, and even though it's two months late, I finally managed to write something! ^_^ I hope you all like it. The song featured is 'Forgive Me', by my favourite band Evanescence. It's a gorgeous song, not at all in their usual style.   
  
Summary: On the eve of their Graduation from Hogwarts, Hermione wonders if she's found what she's looking for.   
  
--------------------------**  
  
I awoke early the next morning. Parvati and Lavender remained in a deep sleep, curled up below the canopies that had watched over us for several years. Without noticing, I smiled-- another real smile. Memories of the previous night returned, and I realised what I'd done. Something daring. Something that was completely out of character.  
  
Sunlight streamed through the arched window, and I quietly pulled the covers off me and went to bask in the light. I gazed over the Hogwarts grounds, at the lush green grass sparkling in the morning dew, at the lake in the distance, its waters undisturbed. I sat on the window seat, leaning my head against the stone wall. I didn't want to leave this place. But I had no choice.   
  
I left the dormitory and made my way down to the common room. Despite the early hour, Ginny and Harry were both up, sitting in the finest armchairs, directly across from the fire. They did not hear me enter. They were both facing each other. Ginny had her head resting on the armrest, tilted slightly. She was gazing at Harry with blatant awe in her face, a dizzy smile on her lips.  
  
' 'morning, Hermione.' Said Harry with a smile as he saw me. Ginny glanced over, the look on her face slowly disappearing. I felt guilty, having disturbed such a private moment. But then my guiltiness evaporated. Why should I feel guilty? I was still Harry's girlfriend. He didn't know about Ron and I yet.  
  
-----  
  
Can you forgive me again?  
  
I don't know what I said  
  
But I didn't mean to hurt you  
  
-----  
  
'Good morning, Harry.' I replied, forcing an identical smile. I went and perched on the edge of the chair, surveying the scene. He sat up straight and kissed me on the cheek.   
  
'It's our last morning, 'Mione, can you believe it?' He sounded excited-- more excited than I'd ever heard him. 'We're going to be out of here for good. Although, I have to admit,' he paused. 'I'm kind of scared as well. I mean, how am I going to survive not fighting Malfoy every day?' There was a twinkle in his eye.  
  
'Your excitement is infectious,' I replied absentmindedly. 'Listen, Harry, I really need to talk to you...'  
  
'I'll go, then.' Said Ginny quietly as she got to her feet. She sounded sad, and I wanted to reach out to her and apologize, but I couldn't find the words or the courage to do so. Instead, I glanced into the empty fireplace. It was clean, with few traces of ash lingering.  
  
'Dobby did a good job,' I muttered to myself, trying to take my mind off what I was about to do.   
  
'What's that, 'Mione?' Harry pulled me onto his lap, but I distangled myself.   
  
'God, Hermione, what's your problem?' His voice was now icy, and there was no kindness behind those green eyes. 'You're so damn temperamental, you know?'  
  
The silence that seperated our words was full of a noise that I'd never noticed.  
  
'Harry, I don't want to be your girlfriend!' I shouted. All the emotions that I'd ever bottled up suddenly escaped. 'I want to be with Ron. I've always loved him like that.' Suddenly I recoiled in horror from the nasty words that I had said.   
  
Oh, God, what have I done?!  
  
-----  
  
I heard the words come out  
  
I felt like I would die  
  
It hurt so much to hurt you  
  
-----  
  
'What did you say?!' Harry asked, his voice hoarse. 'You-- you're not serious, Hermione.' Forcing a laugh, he took my hand. 'You're funny, y'know that?'  
  
'I'm serious, Harry.' I said quietly, pulling myself away. 'Harry, you're my best friend in the whole world, but... I can't. I love Ron.'  
  
'When did this happen?' He asked, his face contorted into a look of pain, and I was shocked that I had hurt him so much. I'd never meant to.   
  
'Last night,' I replied quietly. 'I kissed him, last night.'  
  
He got to his feet and grabbed me by the shoulders so quickly that I was startled. 'Hermione, I love you. We've been together for a year. Why are you doing this to me now? You're going to screw everything up. What about Lavender? Did you think about her feelings? Did you think about the fact that she might love Ron too?'  
  
'It's not like I planned it, Harry.' I said, trying to remain calm and collected. 'Please, please don't be angry. Please don't stop being my friend. You're special to me, too. But Ron...'  
  
'I don't believe this, Hermione.' He snapped, letting go of me. 'I thought you felt the same way. I was wrong to ask you in the first place if you'd be mine.'  
  
'I'm not yours,' I said quietly. 'I don't belong to anyone.'  
  
He gave me one last glare before going back up to his dormitory. I gazed at his retreating back, and when he disappeared, I collapsed in an armchair, head in hands, and I sobbed.  
  
-----  
  
Then you look at me  
  
You're not shouting anymore  
  
You're silently broken  
  
-----  
  
Ron and I were the last to go down to breakfast that morning.  
  
Together, we made our way down the empty corridors, a metre seperating us. We did not speak. We didn't even look at each other. I couldn't. I felt not only ashamed at what I'd done, but I felt that I'd betrayed my best friend.   
  
'It'll... be okay, Hermione.' Said Ron as we waited for the staircases to stop moving. He took my hand and gave a small smile. 'I told Lavender about... uh, us.'  
  
'Oh.' I bit my lip and gazed at the ground, tightening my grip on his hand. 'And..?'  
  
'She was cool with it. I was going to break up with her anyway, 'cause she's had her eye on Dean for awhile now.' He rolled his eyes. 'So, I suppose we've only got each other to blame. It wouldn't have lasted, anyway.'  
  
Our eyes met, and I smiled, kissing him gently on the lips.  
  
'But this will, I know it.'  
  
'Harry didn't like it, did he.' Said Ron after a pause, his ears red, as we stepped onto the staircase.   
  
'What makes you think that?' I asked.  
  
'Oh, he's just being a prick. Ignoring me and stuff.' He shrugged.   
  
'We've betrayed him, haven't we.' I said quietly. That hurt the most. I'd betrayed Harry-- someone who I cared for more than anything in the world. I was torn between him and Ron. There was no way I could just choose one of them.  
  
-----  
  
I'd give anything now  
  
to hear those words from you  
  
-----  
  
Breakfast was a long and noisy affair. As Ron and I entered the hall, the cacophany abruptly stopped and the eyes of three hundred students were upon us. I could hear whispering, and I could see the pointing and disgusted faces people were making. I held my head up high and we took our spot at the Gryffindor table, next to Ginny and Harry.   
  
'Harry,' I began as he stood up, but he cut me off.  
  
'I don't care, Hermione.'   
  
Ginny tugged at his robes. 'Sit down, Harry.' She snapped, then sent me a small smile. Harry gave her an amazed look before reluctantly lowering himself back into his chair. People resumed their conversations, and I helped myself to a helping of fruit salad.   
  
An uncomfortable silence hovered over the four of us. I glanced across the table at Dean and Lavender, who were gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. Lavender battered her heavily mascara'd eyelashes at him, and he smiled, leaning forward to kiss her.   
  
Harry watched the display with some amusement.  
  
-----  
  
Each time I say something I regret  
  
I cry 'I don't want to lose you'  
  
-----  
  
'Harry, I want you to accept my apology.' I said quietly, reaching over to touch his hand. He pulled it away, his eyes fixed on Dean and Lavender, who were now hugging each other tightly. 'I told you, I don't love you in that way. You're my best friend-- Harry, please don't do this.'  
  
He did not display any recognition, and my shoulders sagged. I looked helplessly over at Ron, who was shovelling a spoonful of yoghurt in his mouth so he couldn't respond. The food on my plate was gradually looking less and less appetizing.   
  
'What do you want, Harry?' I asked him. 'What did you want from me in the first place?'  
  
Harry sighed, still not looking at me. 'Hermione, it's a little more complicated than that--'  
  
'Just... answer me.'  
  
His green eyes seemed to see straight through me. 'I wanted you to love me,' he replied testily. 'I thought you would, anyway. I'm sorry if that sounds cliched, but that's what I wanted. It's what everyone wants in life, right?'  
  
'Attention, students.' Dumbledore's voice cut me off before I had even started to answer his question. 'You will now be leaving to catch the Hogwarts Express. I sincerely hope you have a good holiday, and best of luck to our seventh-years.'  
  
-----  
  
But somehow I know that you  
  
Will never leave me  
  
-----  
  
Harry had once told me that the carriages were drawn by Thestrals. He could see them because he'd witnessed a death. I was dying inside, unable to tell him that I didn't want to write him out of my life forever. Like him, we'd both seen something die, although in my case, it had been a part of me.  
  
Him and Ginny took the carriage before us, and Ron and I ended up sharing with Luna and Neville. They'd become quite good friends, and chatted excitedly all the way to the gates.  
  
'So, if you send me an owl sometime,' said Neville, 'we'll get together and check out those man-eating plants. They're supposed to be really hard to tame, but I know I could do it.'  
  
'Nifty,' replied Luna dreamily.  
  
-----  
  
I can't live this life  
  
Without you by my side  
  
I need you to survive  
  
-----  
  
I pressed my face against the window at the back of the carriage, catching my last glimpse of Hogwarts, perhaps forever. Ron glanced through the window as the old castle disappeared from sight.   
  
'Hard to believe we're not going back next year,' he said.  
  
I nodded. It was hard to believe in anything anymore.  
  
-----  
  
So stay with me  
  
You look in my eyes  
  
-----  
  
We got off the Hogwarts Express several hours later and milled about with the crowd. Most of the seventh years were crying, hugging, exchanging addresses and promising to meet again.   
  
'I guess this is it,' I said to Ron, feeling slightly uncomfortable. 'Promise me you'll write?'  
  
'Yeah,' he replied. 'If I'm ever bothered to.'  
  
I laughed and hugged him tightly. 'I'm going to miss you, Ron.'   
  
'Don't,' he said. 'We're not too far apart.'  
  
I saw Ginny and Harry saying goodbye over at the edge of the platform. Ginny was crying, and Harry was trying unsuccessfully to comfort her. I smiled up at Ron.  
  
'Would you excuse me for a moment?'  
  
I made my way over to them. Ginny's face was red, clashing horribly with her hair, and she was wiping her tears away. 'It's so sad,' she said, through her sobs. 'That we've just found each other, and now we have to say goodbye.'  
  
'Ginny, you're being silly.' Said Harry pointedly. Then he leant forward and kissed her, stopping us both in our tracks. I gazed at him in wonder. They only kissed briefly, and then reluctantly pulled apart. Ginny's eyes were shining, although not with tears, but with wonder and joy.  
  
'Thanks,' she whispered, before turning away and walking over to a bemused Ron. I watched Harry. He was staring in her general direction, though not really seeing her. I don't think he'd ever really seen me.   
  
'Hey, Harry?' I asked him, reaching over and grabbing his hand. He stared at me, then slowly smiled.   
  
'You know, it couldn't have lasted, 'Mione.' He said, taking his other hand and encircling ours with it. 'We couldn't have lasted like that. It doesn't suit us.'  
  
-----  
  
And I'm screaming inside  
  
That I'm sorry  
  
-----  
  
'I didn't ever mean to hurt you,' I said, looking at our hands, entwined together. 'You're my best friend, Harry-- whatever I do to you, I do to myself.'  
  
'Yeah...' His voice trailed off, and we smiled at each other.  
  
-----  
  
And you forgive me again  
  
You're my one true friend  
  
And I never meant to hurt you  
  
-----  
  
His forgiveness meant more to me than Ron's love. 


End file.
